Que Sera Sera

Text messages saved in my phone, vol. 11

(Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10)


The DJ at this wedding is so on fire, the only song that could break his streak is Me and A Gun by Tori Amos. Maybe.

Me too! Here's to interspecies rape!

At least his hair is being honest for once.


let's talk about purple for a minute. it's such a middle school favorite color.

I'm in a Williamsburg warehouse with a zebra and Oprah's bald creative director. Where are you?


I just drifted off for a second and dreamt that i was helen mirren and now i feel incredibly calm and collected.

It is a terrible idea to be drunk in Whole Foods.

Settle a bet: all girls named Tammy have hep C, right?

I bet the '70s was the worst decade for spunk taste, even moreso than the middle ages.

When will I learn that if a drink has the word "martini" in its name, it's going to come in a martini glass?


Setzen sie Babt innerhalb ich! I saw it on a porn film.

Just make sure you wear gloves.


It's easy for Mary J. She has fur sheets and a fan club. I'm an overweight white girl in a city with an unfavorable gender ratio.

I'm watching Salma Hayek have sex. Please come home now.

Bitch, who you think you are wearing lace?

Or maybe that's what Skynet WANTS you to believe

Anus anus anus

And introducing Louie Anderton as NEO


I mean, come on. Let's go to Wendy's.

I oly spent 22 dolar

They play cool music and everyone in here has sneakers from Northern Europe

Penis hats!!!

we have some letters from gertrude stein to tennessee williams level shit happening here

Am bringing 48 forks

Let me call you, I don't want to startle the zebra.

Bullshit. Make it happen

My vibrator sort of smells like Old Navy


It fell apart

But seriously if I ever hear the Decemberists again I am going to hemorrhage.

On we sweep with our threshing oar


Get in there

Howie Mandela?

How's 11? Shall I bring bagels? P.S. I am a cunt


General Krull?

Oh girl I heard

I would elect Keanu president. Especially if I was high.

there are some really expensive tiger blankets on the market

My basic problem is that I want to eat all of the cheese, all of the time.

Hey how was your bj class?


But yeah.

Basically everyone needs to re-take geography and anatomy.

The comments on that last post are still pouring in and making my day. Nick and I have wept with laughter while reading them every night, and I'm not gonna lie, I learned maybe one or two things while reading them. (The Washington Redskins are not from Washington state, for example.) It got linked on MetaFilter and there are some pretty amazing comments there too (Godzilla Visits Mothra!).

It should be troubling instead of heartwarming to know that so many of you thought Alaska is an island, a woman pees through her clitoris, and that TLC wrote a song about a young Native American named Jason Waterfalls, but instead it's really made me a more pleasant person to be around. Also I'd like to say that the fact that we call just cucumbers "pickles" but all other pickled foods "pickled _____" is legitimately confusing.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"My brother used to think TicketMaster was, like, one guy -- the ticket master. He had all the tickets and you had to buy them from him." - Nothing But Bonfires

"My husband believed (still believes?) that limes are unripened lemons... Bless his heart." - Katie

"I was 7 years old when the Berlin Wall fell, and it's one of my first news-related memories. I was really surprised that the Berlin Wall was an actual wall. My dad was always telling me "it's just an expression" about everything, so I assumed "Berlin Wall" was an expression, not a literal wall. Naturally, as I got older and started learning about the cold war in history classes, I assumed that since the Berlin Wall had been a literal wall that the Iron Curtain must be an actual curtain. In my head it was just this big iron shower curtain-type thing that stretched across the countryside. I was almost an adult--like, late high school--before I realized that "Iron Curtain" actually WAS just an expression." - Ashley

"The phrase "panty soaker" meant that it was a really hot day and you had sweated through your underpants." - Tracie

"I thought Olivia Newton-John was Elton John's ex-wife." - Alice

"My boyfriend once told me that he jumped into his pants, two legs at a time, until he was ten because that's what people did in cartoons and that's how his mom put pants on his younger siblings." - Gretchen Alice

"When I was 3 or 4, I swallowed a penny, and my grandma told me a quarter would come out. I can't tell you how many times I contemplated how much money I could make. This went on until 5th grade probably?" - Sonya

But the one that makes me crack up every single time I remember it is from Lindsay, who thought that clowns were clowns because they were born that way. Tears are rolling down my face right now as I cut and paste this: "Until I was about 8, I thought that clowns were born that way--that there were black people, white people and clowns. I always wondered why I never saw any in my neighborhood."

I also thought that every time people had sex, they got pregnant. Thanks, Oklahoma public schools.

Earlier today I tweeted: "Due to a poor explanation when I was a kid, I spent 15 years wondering how eunuchs peed." Matthew Baldwin replied: "I thought that lions and tigers were the males and females of a single species. No explanation though, I was just dumb."

I've had these conversations with friends in the past, and I always love hearing the weird incorrect facts from childhood that other people have kept in their heads without reconsidering until the moment it hits them. I had a (very smart) friend who thought that the Grand Canyon was perfectly and smoothly concave, like a cereal bowl, until we were seniors in high school. My husband thought that the world was actually in black and white in the past until an embarrassingly late age. I hate to end a blog post with a question, but I sincerely would love to hear: do you have any of these?

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