Text messages saved in my phone, vol. 5
Ding ding! Bring em back alive.
How’s shit working out for you over there, Seamus?
Girl I been dumped an I am on madison ave and I am wearing a headset. I don’t even know who I am anymore!
Carl Winslow gives a soulwrenching performance
Also I can’t be mortal enemies with dogs.
I think I’m hanging out with 23 yr olds
I have 2 ninjas and a speed skater. Can I improvise? Good Lord, I can only open one eye.
What Would Gavin Rossdale Do
Eating pizza in Narnia!
Scream in the birth control aisle.
I’m watching Arthur and drinking robitussin. What u do?
God is dead. Tim McGraw lives, sadly.
Nothing that shits or cries is worth fifteen grand. Incontinent Einstein, maybe ten.
Everybody’s so fucking in love with their own mythology.
This thing is starting to get away from us…
This gum is amazing
We’re going full stream. Aim for the flat top.
I’ve been pulled into a tattoo situation
I just saw my french nemesis, who was nice, which makes me SO MAD.
Wait til you see the pics. The weirdest thing: all the Secret deodorants in the john.
I just realized I have a skeleton in my purse I meant to give you.
You old slut on junk. Merry to you, too.
I will bring muscle three deep and sleep standing up.
Side of building in Tribeca reads PIPE FITTINGS. Oh, if only.
Woman at hobby lobby just asked where the shepherd hooks are.
Oh hey I got to gush blood for a 4th time earlier
“I Love You Paul” is about Paul Muad’dib
Nothing spells romance like vampire poison combined with a food containing the word “ball.”
Boomerang on one channel, Candyman 3 on another. WHAT TO DO.
I’m most fun
What were Judge Reinhold’s parents even thinking?
Seriously must get into battlestar (note: this one came at 4:48 am)
Cheerleader skirt, and thigh highs! Thigh high fishnets! Wait, no. Cheerleader skirt and leather chaps. And a feather boa. And a cowboy hat! And flippers! And those glitter antlers! With the balls. Oh, and a Reagan mask.
You’re in an all day montage!
No, you love this. Shut up and go to sleep.
Thats a good start.
Just call me, texty