Text messages saved in my phone, vol. 8

(Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 )

I sleep with so many dudes with weird chins. Clefts, dimples, you name it, I bang it.

There’s a woman wearing a banana clip on the train; she’s not foreign or anything.

Wait, are you on your date?! Stop texting me about your ex-husband’s dick!

I hate art

Carrie White burns in hell

We were at the symphony and everyone was talking about how you had a 3-way with a hooker.

Hello from america’s drug superhighway!

Just hangin out! Thug love!

When something is numbed with novacaine (like my entire top lip right now), I think it should also become invisible.

Balls in YOUR mouth, sir!

Newsflash: the gravity pub patched up the glory hole and the bouncer that doesn’t like my panties is eyeing me.

I’ll throw away my chastity belt too.

Who was him?

Don’t bother with your French braids

I’m babysitting. I just wrestled an asian kid my weight and ignited a thousand pubescent masturbatory handjobs. In a wig.

Did you ever have a touch to lose?

Yes! Cocteau twins and endless carbs!

I saw that and worse at Normandy!

Ah don’t want
Your life

Is it J.R. Ewing’s face?

Chiffarobe!!

Just so you know, I have mastered flushing the toilet.

I wish you and me and Mary J. Blige were spending NYE together.

Too late, I’m in love

Who needs pants?

I hope you are making out, and not with a murderer.

Does he have a mist machine?

Holy shit. That’s so romanti2.

That would make for a great sporting show – Kayaking with Shiteater

Sad, de moi.

Just the near death of my respect for humankind

It’s been determined that a group of uteruses (uteri) is called a hysteria.

I bet he went to Sarah Lawrence.

I thought it tasted a little date rapey

What’s cathy’s husband’s name?

Irving?

Cthulu belongs to us all, like Santa Claus

Also rolfdong sounds like a fragrance for men.

Just had a guy get a sextuple espresso mocha. I highfived him.

On top of this, they can’t even serve a half decent cup of chili in this town.

It’s worse than orphans!

Thanks, I would ask you for toilet paper over Alicia Keyes.

Fuck bitches, make money: I always say that.

Everyone here looks the same. I want to go home.

Lady elves.

Diversify yo!