Text messages saved in my phone, vol. 6

Shhh, Shiloh’s sleeping.

Does boxed wine expire?

I am at a party and this dude named Tom is really into me. 2 yrs ago he added an H so now he is Thom. Is this what I deserve? Are you there god it’s me.

I guess it’s got something to do with luck, cuz I look at your pants and I wanna

Damn, you’re like Carmen Sandiego

Was Jay Z there? Are you pregnant?

Surefire threesome killer: playing Ani Difranco on your acoustic guitar.

Nachos are almost always better in theory. Like spontaneous road trips.

Me and dave are getting drunk kentucky style, listening to mellencamp and wishing it was springsteen

Also, if you’re in the game, the Stroke’s the word. Oh yeah, why in God’s name are you in Indiana?

Stay on the grass! Keep loving me!

Lou Barlow is sitting in my office right now. He looks swollen. And he’s wearing those LA Gear tennis shoes w/the little red lights.

Oh fuck a party! It’s sweats and pizza nite.

SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE LAST PSYCHEDLIC BAND FROM SACTO NORTHERN CAL FROM SACTO NORTHERN CAL

Man, Mr. Peanut is so dapper.

Your friend is here! I haven’t cussed her out. Yet. (note: this was from me, to my mom)

Hugs. I hate hugs.

Yesterday I looked up “shaboy” online to see what it meant. Very different from “sheboy,” I learned.

BOR-ING! Dudes are for jerks.

Things on my bed: two swimsuits, five twenties, one Achewood hoodie. Things in me: two pills, much bourbon. Things on my cat: I do not have a cat.

If you get tired of getting awesome, Cheers is on in five minutes. Just a heads up from the retirement home.

Nice! Tell your cheap ass hubby to buy a better fucking axe.

Let’s wear our capes.

Usher just called me sweetheart

Anything with the Top Gun soundtrack in it is funny, right?

It’s a plum floating in a hat full of perfume.

Like, they really give The News’s sax player way too much time to explore the studio space. I guess that’s more of a fundamental flaw of The News, though.

1. Fuck. 2. Yeah.

Um i drunk in park and sent this to everyone in my phone… boy do i wish i had depends

Well, he was like a Rubik’s Cube in a hat anyway, I’m glad you quit when you did.

Mary thinks the cabbie was maybe god?

Making babies, holding up liquor stores

Oh, I screamed “Big hands I know you’re the one” like I was 18 and at the Lambda Chi house

Boys or no boys?

It was good, but I wish Pauly Shore played the Clive Owen role.

Tell him, “Maybe you could fuck me again.”

Define ‘human being.’

Careful, lady. We’re west of the Hudson, we must keep our best wits about us.