Text messages saved in my phone, vol. 11
(Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10)
The DJ at this wedding is so on fire, the only song that could break his streak is Me and A Gun by Tori Amos. Maybe.
Me too! Here's to interspecies rape!
At least his hair is being honest for once.
TAKE THE CONCH!
let's talk about purple for a minute. it's such a middle school favorite color.
I'm in a Williamsburg warehouse with a zebra and Oprah's bald creative director. Where are you?
I just drifted off for a second and dreamt that i was helen mirren and now i feel incredibly calm and collected.
It is a terrible idea to be drunk in Whole Foods.
Settle a bet: all girls named Tammy have hep C, right?
I bet the '70s was the worst decade for spunk taste, even moreso than the middle ages.
When will I learn that if a drink has the word "martini" in its name, it's going to come in a martini glass?
NO LOVE FOR MY WILLIE NELSON JOKE I SEE HOW IT IS
Setzen sie Babt innerhalb ich! I saw it on a porn film.
Just make sure you wear gloves.
It's easy for Mary J. She has fur sheets and a fan club. I'm an overweight white girl in a city with an unfavorable gender ratio.
I'm watching Salma Hayek have sex. Please come home now.
Bitch, who you think you are wearing lace?
Or maybe that's what Skynet WANTS you to believe
Anus anus anus
And introducing Louie Anderton as NEO
MOBB DEEP EEP MEEP BEEP PEEP REEP
I mean, come on. Let's go to Wendy's.
I oly spent 22 dolar
They play cool music and everyone in here has sneakers from Northern Europe
we have some letters from gertrude stein to tennessee williams level shit happening here
Am bringing 48 forks
Let me call you, I don't want to startle the zebra.
Bullshit. Make it happen
My vibrator sort of smells like Old Navy
It fell apart
But seriously if I ever hear the Decemberists again I am going to hemorrhage.
On we sweep with our threshing oar
Get in there
How's 11? Shall I bring bagels? P.S. I am a cunt
IT DON'T MAKE NO NEVAHMIND
Oh girl I heard
I would elect Keanu president. Especially if I was high.
there are some really expensive tiger blankets on the market
My basic problem is that I want to eat all of the cheese, all of the time.
Hey how was your bj class?
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT