2008

I had such a good year it seems almost dickish to recap it. 2008 was full of good friends and new friends and family and travel and fun; the book came out and I signed a second deal and I met someone amazing, so looking back, even the low points seem pretty lame. Like oh, I endured some mild sexual harassment and secondhand crab salad fumes and cried in a tepee. Also someone asked me to draft a letter to the Sunglass Hut for them, but that’s just funny now. And probably was then, honestly.

The brief rundown:

Favorite concert of 2008: The Breeders on my birthday
Best movie experience of 2008: In-theater drinking game with Chris and Tracie during National Treasure 2: Hey You Guys These Rocks Get Darker If You Get Them Wet/Nuts in May, hungover in London
Best book read in 2008: Roger's Profanisaurus
Song of 2008: "I’m A Cuckoo"/"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
Best TV Show of 2008: So You Married A Fifth Grader (-- Evany Thomas)
Only near-death experience of 2008: self-Heimlich, midnight, Saturday after Thanksgiving
Best birth control of 2008: Atlantic Center Target, this one fancy toy shop in Covent Garden, all airplanes
Worst birth control of 2008: Esme
Best life guru of 2008: Mary J. Blige
Best emailers of 2008: Kfan & Liz
Best hats of 2008: marine hats
Best day of 2008: August 26
Most auspicious day of 2008: October 26
Best worst drink of 2008: Merrydown cider

This might also be the year I settled down a little. To be honest, I spent most of it wishing I was doing crosswords in bed. I mean, I still behave like I am my own toddler in terms of mealtimes and bedtimes and, uh, most times, but last night at the restaurant I caught myself coveting the steamed broccoli off the plate of the woman next to us, and the Christmas gift I was most excited about was a new vacuum. I just cleaned my baseboards with a special attachment and was like UUHHHHHNNNNGGG SO GOOD who am I I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. I’m supposed to go to a party tonight but at the moment I’m seriously considering staying in and taking a bath and reading a book instead. Look who's a grown up. With pizza on her pajamas.

I am so ready for 2009 I can hardly stand it. I hope you’re happy and well.

Pressing issues

How do I make this audio from this scene the sound my phone makes when I receive a text message?

Tulsa Cringe Tonight

Hello. I hope you had a merry Christmas. If you’re in Tulsa, I hope you’ll come to Tulsa Cringe tonight at Cosmo Cafe at 7 pm. Feel free to bring something you’d like to read.

I’ve been going through a box of notebooks in my old bedroom trying to find something new to read tonight since by now I think everyone on the planet has heard what happened at the mall on January 5, 1991. So far I’ve found a poem my high school boyfriend wrote about Malcolm X, an eighth grade homework assignment about how I thought Anne Frank was different from other teenagers, and the pull tab from my first beer. I should have kept my first condom wrapper as well and made a Sin Scrapbook like the weird premature grandma I was. Unfortunately, none of this is good enough to read at Cringe, so I hope you’ll come and show me up.

Tulsa booksigning

I am in Tulsa for Christmas, and tomorrow night I’ll be doing a booksigning at the Barnes & Noble on 41st Street at 7 pm. (Doing a booksigning? Having a booksigning? Both sound procreative.) If you’re in town and want to confess, accuse, or have me deface something of yours, please come by.

I have a lot more to say, mostly about a trip I took with my mother this afternoon to Hobby Lobby, but right now I have to turn off all the TVs in my parents’ house. There are maybe more TVs here than there are Santa Clauses, and I can count eleven Santa Clauses this second without moving my head. Someone who is not me or my brother, please give my mother a grandchild, quick. Anyway, the TVs. When I was a kid, we had one TV. Then we got a Betamax and HBO and another TV and that was a big deal. I was never allowed to have a TV in my bedroom. At this moment, there are seven TVs in my parents' house. One is in the bathroom. I don’t even want to imagine what that’s about. Back in Brooklyn, we haven’t had a TV since Caroline moved out in October, and we’ve managed to fill that void just fine with candle making and Bible readings and masturbation. I mean quilting. No, I mean masturbation.

Right, so see you at Barnes & Noble tomorrow night. Don’t tell my mom I was talking about her TVs on the internet. Some things must remain sacred.

Tulsa Cringe

I booked a Tulsa Cringe for the day after Christmas, which made sense until I stopped to think about all the censoring this would require while reading. Oh well. We’re all past that now, right? Whatever, I’m still not admitting who “He” was. Because there’s a good chance that He will probably be there.

TULSA CRINGE
Friday, December 26, 7 pm
Cosmo Cafe
6746 S Memorial Drive, Tulsa OK

I’m having it at a coffeehouse that serves alcohol instead of a smoky bar downtown so that pregnant ladies will be able to come.

You know you’ll be home for the holidays, and you know where your diary is still hidden at your parents’ house. If you’d like to read, please email me.

Everyone’s welcome: parents, babies, former crushes, even teenagers.

Check it

I have been fortunate enough to be in some good company lately.

Out with the Chrises

Rough ideas scribbled in my notebook at the bar last night:

• Sobersnake.com: brightly-lit photos of middle-aged people smiling and eating at Chili’s at 7 pm on Wednesday night

• Remake Lethal Weapon with Queen Latifah in the Danny Glover role. (Memo: from here on out, all of Glover’s roles go to Queen Latifah, including Royal Tenenbaums retroactively.) Sinéad O’Connor = villain.

• Ann Taylor Loft DJ gig, “Unbreak My Heart” x500

• Buddy cop movie starring Gary Busey and a dinosaur. Tiny arms. Time travel?

Last night at dinner

T: Bill Moyers accepted me as his friend on Facebook.
C: What! He hasn’t accepted me yet!
T: Looks like Moyers is out for some pusssssay.
M: Everyone knows Bill Moyers’s car is a PT Cruiser with the license plate PSSYWGN.
C: “Hey, you ladies wanna meet Joseph Campbell?”

And later:

M: Yeah, welcome to the club. Go join chriskilledmydadwithhiscock.com.
T: Dot org.
C: Excuse me, we’re a dot biz.

No Cringe tonight

Cringe returns January 7, 2009.

What I'm Really Thankful For

This beauty came in the mail on Friday, courtesy of Metalia’s husband, who sits at a desk near Karen Moy, who is one of the writers for Mary Worth.

Do you know how I feel about Mary Worth, internet? Sometimes even I’m not sure how I feel about Mary Worth, but I know those feelings are always strong, and plenty, and that no one else ever wants to talk about Mary Worth as much as I do.

This amazing thing is from the classic storyline with Mary Worth’s stalker, Aldo Kelrast, a Captain Kangaroo lookalike whose name is an anagram for the word "stalker." Aldo eventually met his demise when he drove his car over a cliff. Oh Mary, what you do to us.

I think it goes without saying that this baby is getting a professional matting and framing job and a prime spot on the living room wall.