I failed to mention that I live in Bartertown.

I recently bought some new bed pillows. Yesterday while tidying my room, I noticed the old bed pillows still sitting on my closet floor and thought, “I should get rid of those before I stop noticing them.” I have a bad habit of things going invisible on me if I don’t take care of them within a week. It takes another pair of eyes or impending houseguests before I realize, oh, that stack of receipts has been on my desk for two months, or oh, I guess I could move my old computer monitor away from the foot of my bed, where it’s been since March 2006.

Anyway, I was pumped to get rid of these old pillows before they disappeared before my very eyes, and I thought, “Huh, I wonder how I should dispose of them. They’re kind of big, they probably won’t fit in the trash… can’t recycle them… maybe I should go outside and set them on fire.”

I am not kidding. This was my totally lucid thought process, the first thing my brain jumped to. Right, of course. Just go outside on the street and set them on fire. And then I thought, “Wait, aren’t they really flammable or something?” But then I had this flash of genius: “Oh, but that’s okay, because that just means they’ll BURN UP QUICKLY AND COMPLETELY. Less mess.”

My parents’ friends, I am so sorry you ever allowed me to babysit your children.

Internet internet online website www dot com

I finally ended the Mexican standoff with my coccyx-like Links page and updated it. I realize the rest of the internet uses a blogroll or RSS feed or some other sort of mysterious online butler service, but I haven’t even changed my design since 2003, so baby steps. I also realized that there were tons of people I thought I had been linking to for years that I had not. (Hi Alice! Hi Ariel!) That sort of surprised me, but I'm also surprised I'm not 5' 8" every single time I catch my reflection in a mirrored surface. Anyway, I added many great sites, and you should check them out if you’re bored, which of course you are.

Some highlights:

in yr fshn – I know this is a LOLcats reference, which I go on record as loathing, but I like to pretend it’s more like Pssm Dxn or LFTR PLLR. Plus, Jenn manages to find the coolest stuff and really does her research, like about Victorian mourning rings and memento mori jewelry. I’m not into diamonds or that sort of thing—I subscribe to the rule that you should only wear conversation-piece jewelry—so this is right up my alley.

Quinn Heraty provided an invaluable resource to me lately when dealing with the release forms for the Cringe book submissions. If you find yourself in need of an entertainment/music/fashion lawyer, you could do no better. Man, I spent countless hours at age nine pretending I was a fashion lawyer. This mostly meant sitting at a card table in my mom’s sewing room with my friend Cayce and taking highlighters to reams of that green-and-white-striped printer paper my dad brought home from the office for this express purpose. I bet Quinn’s work day is just like that, and then her mom calls her downstairs for a mayonnaise, mustard, cheese and pickle sandwich. Thundercats come on at four!

Hillbilly Heroine will seem very familiar to some of you. I would not steer you wrong.

I will freely admit to you that every morning, I check my email, Flickr, and then I read For Better or For Worse, Mary Worth, and Apartment 3G online, just so I can remain up to date with The Comics Curmudgeon. It’s the non-toxic version of reading blogs of people you secretly hate. Mary Worth is a meddling bitch. Come, loathe her with me.

Maggie and Melissa just launched Mighty Junior this week, which is great because I have an increasing number of friends who don’t just have babies, they have children, and I have no idea what to buy these tiny opinionated people. Reams of printer paper? Highlighters? I am not really at a place in my life where I know these things. Quién es Diego? I mean, I rent an apartment and don’t even have a fish anymore. (RIP, Keith Moon.) I am finally at the point where I date men who own endtables and more than one pair of shoes. Somewhere in the distance, my mother pumps her fist in the air with joy.

Hello darkness my old friend

My mom and I are playing Scrabble at twilight, listening to The Graduate soundtrack on vinyl and discussing our family’s health history. “I just hope your dad can remain so healthy for these last years of our lives,” she says, and at that exact moment, as if on cue, “The Sound of Silence” begins to play.

“Jesus Christ, Mom!” I shout, and get up to change the record to Patsy Cline.

Text messages saved in my phone, vol. 7

(Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6)

Apparently there have been new advancements in slutsville!

I am miserable. I met Stephen Colbert btw and I am eating peach mousse on the roof of the Yale Club. But still.

My msg was code. To rally the grey goose army of kings county. You in?

Isn’t there someone else you can pretend to hate right now? I’m on deadline.

Right now I’m on my couch in my lesbian gardener outfit reading British tabloids.

Yeah, he’s real deal. Maybe even has a plow to go back to!

More awesome, less mammalian.

Several of the videos involve wound dressing so far.

Maniac Latin Disciples = best street gang of all time.

I enjoy listening to music very much. I would like a chicken dinner, please.

Out here in the perimeter there are no stars.

Who is that? I love him!

GOD BLESS THE GODDAMN INTERNET

This is my son Bailiff, and my daughter Bitchface.

If I wasn’t on a couch in Cleveland, I’d bring you a milkshake and percocet.

Because Destiny made another mistake.

The slut technology, I can’t keep up.

Probably Yeti. They walk and drink among us.

No kidding! I love being young and pretty!

I am looking at pictures of poisonous Oklahoma insects online on a Saturday nite. Where does that put me

How come nobody told me I look like Suri Cruise?

Watching a real live sword swallower, as you do.

Nachos for lunch! Because it seemed silly to stop at nachos for breakfast.

So let it be written! So let it be done!

Did I say narcotics I meant jesus

Because he’s holding a THERMAL DETONATAHH!!!

It just dawned on me how awful it would be to fall in a well. No one would hear you scream. Be careful and I’ll do the same.

The boys want you to know they are playing Led Zeppelin. I want you to know Roy is playing air guitar.

It’s sort of a problem that I look so good in a beret, huh?

I’m watching all the garbage in the Thames. What’s up?

In my dreams we go to Arbys for Jamocha shake breaks

I would be the king of LaGuardia!

Is it a cougar?

Pete’s is overrun w Sisters of Mercy loving Winona look-alikes! We need your help!

Cthulu! I get it now!

Gene the Chester pie man. Chester, WV. You would love him more than you can believe.

I’m in a dark period!

A BIBLE

Youre fucked.

Maybe I’ll move to cali to write a screenplay for my movie idea, a rom-com called “My Mexican Day Laborer.”

UNLOCK IT!!!

We take em by sea. Gods nightgown, we do.

It’s men like you, Sarah Brown…

Can’t top that, won’t try.

meganberk.com

My good friend Megan is an amazing artist. Whenever she has a show, I have to bite my tongue from saying the wrong things out loud, because I can’t help being like, “I really like the colors!” and “I think your stuff is the best.” Sometimes Sarah has to shush me. And then someone else who knows about art asks a good question like, “Which of these is your most recent work?” and I go find the free wine and snacks. I am like a mom at these things. A lush mom. I’m sorry, but her stuff really is the best. And now you can own one of her paintings, because she just launched her own website.

This one’s my favorite. This one too.