A-D-V-I-C-E

Just found this little heartbreaker in my search stats:

how to make a 2nd place spelling bee person not cry anymore

Aww.

Okay, I’m assuming you’re in elementary school. First of all, right after you read this answer, get off the internet and don’t come back until you’re 18. You can make it through with plenty of notebooks and markers and blank tapes and college radio. It’ll be fun.

But anyway, about your sweet little predicament.

Option A: Be nice to them. Maybe offer them whatever treat you have in your lunch. Pick them for Red Rover. (Do kids still play Red Rover? Do kids still eat lunch?) But then, after a day of this, stop. Go back to normal. They need to learn to suck it up and deal. If they’re still moping after this, stop hanging out with them altogether. They’re going to grow up into a miserable self-loathing little whiner who constantly reminds you how brilliant they are in misspelled emails while you’re trying to get work done. You don’t have time for this bullshit, Dakota! You have things to accomplish!

Option B: Is it too much to assume that you yourself are the winner? You little darling, smart AND easily guilted! You’ll make a great spouse someday. My advice is act like nothing’s happened, because no one honestly likes a graceful smartypants. You’ve got a tough road ahead of you, little friend, so your best move right now is to act normal for as long as possible. Don’t worry; they’ll sniff you out by sixth grade. Ohhh but you’re in for some shit, Dakota. But your late twenties should be awesome.

Option C: Is this your mommy or daddy? Tell them to sober up and stay away from pub quiz, at least on school nights.