I hate your guts

So, I have a crush on this guy, and it must be pretty bad, because being around him transforms me into a super mean fourth grader. I don’t know what happens; I’m traditionally a sort of insulting flirter, but this is way beyond the pale.

I’ve noticed that I do this thing with people I dislike, where at first I worry that they don’t like me, and I really obsess over it for awhile before realizing, no, actually, I don’t like them. This situation is the exact opposite. It took me hanging up on him, making fun of him, calling him names, and then insulting his physical appearance to his face before it dawned on me: I didn’t dislike him, I liked him-liked him.

Originally it was just me being rude, but now that I know where it’s coming from, it’s combined with a powerful middle school urge to hide in a closet whenever I see him coming, and if I can’t, I just say the meanest thing that pops into my head. I get fucking flustered and I hate it. For some reason, he keeps talking to me, but I fear that if it ever progresses to the point where he goes for the lean in, I might end up breaking his kneecaps before I can stop myself. This makes me nervous when he tries to make small talk, and then I end up blurting out things like, “What, were you raised in an orphanage?” And I don’t say this in a playful or sarcastic way: it comes out of my mouth in this disdainful, curt tone like I am seriously insinuating that his parents gave him away when he was an infant because they didn’t want him. But oh man, apparently I do.