The Great Conjunction!

In the past few days, I’ve caught myself making an alarming number of Dark Crystal jokes. I mean, more than usual, and to everyone, not just my nerd best friend Laura. Sarah Hatter asked me if she could list me as a reference on her resume, and I was like, “Sure! Sarah Hatter served as Court Chamberlain during my reign as King of the Skeksis from 5097-6003. She ate my corpse on my deathbed with panache and fervor. A+, would do business with again.” Crickets. Hover over this picture to witness another one. I can’t stop.

I know exactly where this came from: on Sunday, I went to brunch with Sarah N. and Albee, and we thought it would be fun to go back to the same $5 psychic we went to after brunch on my birthday last year. Only she was closed, so we went to another $5 psychic, and this one sort of freaked me out. The one last year was pretty vague, all “blah blah, you will travel over water, you will have two loves in your life,” like she was seriously just reading me Rentals’ lyrics. But this $5 psychic, she started naming names and pulling out secrets I hadn’t even told most of my friends. I mean, she knew exactly where I’d dumped the body and everything! I’d just sat there sort of stunned the whole time she talked, and then at the end she pressed a crystal into my hand and told me to keep it with me at all times because of my blocked chakras or open doors from my past life or something. I was like, well, uh, I guess I’ll hold on to this, why not? I went into the whole thing on a lark, but, you know, I’ll try riding it out, whatever.

So I slept with it on my bedside table that night (which felt pretty dumb), and had a horrible nightmare that I was at a pool party and discovered suddenly that everyone I knew was a vampire, and always had been, and they all could tell I wasn’t a vampire and wanted to bite me to turn me into one. After spending the whole dream running and hiding, I resigned myself to my fate, and decided to let Josh be the one to bite me, because I knew he’d be very nice about it. Then I woke up all sweaty and scared and was like, fuck you, crystal!

The thing is, I’m not sure on the protocol for disposing of a crystal shard. Is it like a cell phone, can I not just throw it in the trash? Or should I hold onto it until The Great Conjunction and then plunge it into the Dark Crystal and heal our turbulent world? What to do, what to do?

All I know is I better get some gelfling girl wings out of this.