Que Sera Sera

Meme: 5 Things

Brittney tapped me to do this a few weeks ago: A List of Five Things that Society At-Large Likes, Yet I Don’t Get:

1. Reality TV. I should preface this by saying that I don’t watch that much regular TV to begin with. If the characters’ last name isn’t Simpson or Bluth and it doesn’t feature Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert, I’m not going to make time for it. Definitely not for reality TV. No American Idol. I would rather do long division for an hour than be forced to endure the mediocre youth of today butcher the mediocre songs of yesterday. No Trading Spaces or Extreme Home Makeover. I do not want to see anyone else’s house get redecorated, ever. It does not make me cry; it makes me change the channel. (Also, Trading Spaces pisses me off extra because one Saturday my friend Tad and I spent the whole day lying on the couch, drinking and watching '80s movies on TV, and we got really excited when we saw Trading Spaces listed on the TV Guide channel, only to discover it was NOT the Eddie Murphy/Dan Akyroyd movie.) No Survivor, Apprentice, Amazing Race, Bachelor, anything. I am not interested in any sort of program where people are on teams or scheming or strategizing or trying to win something or someone. They make me despise my fellow man, and I’m pretty good at that as it is. Really, the only reality television I’ve ever enjoyed is real lowest common denominator shit, like Love Cruise or Rich Girls, where there’s no point, it’s just stupid people being themselves for my own smug amusement. Even then, I can only take this in very small doses, preferrably when hungover. Sort of like Cheetos.

2. Cats. Here’s the thing: I don’t like cats. I do not think cats are cute. At all. Seriously. Even kittens. I never used to believe that people could honestly look at a baby or a puppy and not at least think, “Aw, I may not want one, but that sure is sweet,” until I realized that when I look at a kitten, I have the same thought process as when I look at an inanimate object. Yep, that’s a cat. No, I do not want to hold it. To be honest, I sort of want to hiss at it so it’ll go away. I don't want to microwave them or anything; I just want them to leave me alone. Now, I will admit that there are a few cats that I do like, but just because I got to know them and they were pretty cool and didn’t try to suck the breath out of any babies in my presence. THAT I SAW.

For the record, Cats I Like:

Also for the record, Cats I Do Not Like:

3. Ben Stiller. Annoys the living crap out of me. He’s all anxious and angular and does not make me laugh, ever, at all. To me, he’s the embodiment of physical comedy, which I find simultaneously boring and infuriating. My brother made me watch Meet the Parents, and it was excruciating, except for the four minutes Owen Wilson was onscreen. I mean, I don’t Julia Roberts-hate him, but I don’t get why he’s funny. I’ve had more than one person try to cure me of this by forcing me to watch The Ben Stiller Show, which was funny to me in the only way Ben Stiller’s movies are funny to me: the people around him are pretty hilarious.

4. Beer. This might come as a surprise to you, since I often mention my hobby, drinking, but I’m not that into beer. Maybe it was growing up in Oklahoma, where beer is 3.2 and a waste of time to try to get drunk from in somebody’s field before your 11:30 curfew, but to this day, I cannot drink enough beer to actually get drunk from it alone. If someone made me shotgun brews, I could do it, but I’m not going to fully enjoy it. I'd just be going through the motions, like a 1950s housewife silently staring at the ceiling and making her shopping list during sex. I like beer, but in the way I like soda. I’ll have a few if I’m relaxing at a barbecue or split a pitcher on the patio, but when it comes to alcohol, I prefer whiskey or cider. Which you can go ahead and call girl beer. I don’t mind.

5. LIVESTRONG bracelets. My cyberfriend Lady Toole did an admirable job of discussing this a few months back, but I really don’t get the LIVESTRONG thing. I mean, of course, I’m against cancer and what have you, but I was confused about the whole movement from the start. Last summer, my friend Matt Clayton gave me a yellow rubber band bracelet that said PLAYER, and he had a red one that said BALLER, and I thought this was pretty awesome. This was before I noticed the LIVESTRONG trend, and then I started seeing people everywhere with yellow bracelets like mine, and I was like, Huh! Little kid on the subway is a PLAYER too! So’s his mom! Then one night John Kerry was on The Daily Show, sleeves rolled up, sporting his yellow band, and I was like, “Liz, come look! John Kerry’s on TV wearing my PLAYER bracelet!” and she was like, “Uh, Sarah?”

Endnote: I lost my PLAYER bracelet the night I got married in front of CBGB's. Which I’m sure would be fraught with meaning had I gotten for real married.

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