I want to give you children:

Last night I babysat for my old neighbors’ kids, who are without a doubt the most fantastic children in the world. The oldest, a seven-year old, sent me home with a piece of original artwork featuring a wolf monster battling a dinosaur monster, only the thing you need to know about the dinosaur monster is that he has a sort of needle that comes out of his nose with which to pierce the wolf monster, who is bleeding all over the guns on the side of his body. Also, this battle takes place on the sea. Naturally. He also had some interesting ideas about a super-race of mutant alligators that live in volcanoes, and actually thrive on the lava. I would totally vote for this kid for president. His platform would probably involve ninjas and pizza, and who can’t get behind that?

Seriously though, sometimes it really bums me out that kids can’t be your drinking buddies. Not that I’m advocating that anyone get a child drunk: they would just come with you and hang out while you drank, shooting milk out their nose and making you laugh and insuring that you didn’t go home with ugly people.