No sleep til:

Today I sold my car. Now what am I supposed to have sex on top of?

Man, I hope someone laughs at that, because I’ve been waiting to use that line for weeks.

I’ve spent the past week packing every single thing I own, sorting and dividing it all into half-hearted little piles of maybe give this away? or should this go in storage? or oh god what am I doing with my life is this a bad idea? That was going nowhere fast, so thankfully my mother intervened. Much like Herbert Kornfeld, my mother has mad organizational skillz, and I’m pretty sure she shoots math straight from her wrist, so she was very helpful in devising a multi-layered packing plan utilizing all the letters of the alphabet as well as many numbers. This makes for a superb hyper-organized packing system, but it also makes for many rolled eyes when the actual application of this system is in play. Evidently YOU MUST PACK THE LETTERED BOXES BEFORE THE NUMBERED BOXES OR TIME WILL STOP AND LIFE WILL FREEZE AND EVIL WILL OVERTAKE THE EARTH. Kind of like the plot of Legend.

Anyway, thanks to this highly-specialized system and the sheer brute strength of my father, brother, and a few excellent friends, everything got loaded onto a truck this morning, and I am now writing this while lying on my stomach on the floor of my empty apartment. I am going to miss this apartment so much. I wish I could bundle it up and bring it to New York with me. I will miss you, hardwood floors, and I will miss you, arched doorway into the living room, and I will miss you, fireplace, and I will miss you, wonderful giant bathtub, and I will miss you, pretty hand-painted kitchen tiles, and I will miss you, crystal doorknobs, and I will miss you, balcony porch with the view of the downtown skyline. Toilet, you’ve been annoying lately and frankly, we’ve never been all that close, but I’ll still be sad to see you go. Red porch swing, we both know I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ll miss you most of all.

So, the bags are packed and the car is sold, unless I just jinxed it somehow with my awful joke, so now in the next few days I just have to say goodbye to every single wonderful friend I know and leave the place where I’ve lived all my life, and then drive across the country with both of my parents until we end up in Brooklyn, where we’ll unpack and move stuff around and probably have some minor crisis that will be remedied by a trip to the hardware store, and then after a day or two my parents will hug me goodbye and drive back to Tulsa, and I’ll kiss them and cry and wave, and then go back inside my new apartment and maybe sit on the bed and cry a little bit more, but at that point, I’d like to be able to go put on some shoes and go out and do something fun, so let me know if you know of anything.

The worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work out and I end up right back here, right?