Que Sera Sera


I don’t have time to write anything new right now, so I was going through old posts I’d left as drafts, trying to find something funny I could steal from myself. It's like making a sandwich out of the old stuff in the back of the refrigerator. No one wants that sandwich, but you’re hungry and you get halfway through it before you’re so consumed with self-loathing you have to puke.


I found this list, from when I had the flu in December. I have no idea what most of this means, but man, I wish I remembered. I should always write while heavily medicated:

What? Why can’t you have a fever when you’re well? I guess you can, and it’s called drugs.

I also found this conversation snippet from January:

B: “And then I realized, my workout playlist is all Eminem and Destiny’s Child and Dwight Yoakam.”

N: “Wow! It’s like the seven people I want to meet in heaven, all right there on your iPod.”

And just this one line, from last spring:

“I will now fly back to Dork Mountain on the back of a bat-winged lady dragon and await my next mission.”—Brian Byrne

And some thoughts on candy bars, from October 2005:

I spent $2.49 on a Toblerone, a candy bar that I always seem to forget that I don’t particularly care for, one that as far as I can tell is made of third-rate chocolate and ground-up baby teeth, but has some pretty good packaging in the same bright cozy colors I associate with my kitchen so some part of my brain tells me time and time again that I should try eating one.

And this almost-complete post, from late May 2006:

I am broke right now. Broke like I cannot afford to buy a stick of gum, assuming that some questionable merchant somewhere is selling individual sticks of gum. It’s my own fault, because I forgot to figure in two major bills when doing my budget this month, and also because my monthly budgets are not so much numbers on spreadsheets, but shimmery ideas that fly around inside my head like hibernating unicorns. This is a constant source of disappointment to my financial planner father, who asks me questions about my 401k or Roth IRA and I’m like, “Yes, eleventeen. Negative three. Colorado.”

Anyway, Cingular Wireless service representative Kevin called me yesterday to let me know that I owed them $59 and if I did not pay them RIGHT THEN my service would be interrupted. I thought that was a little harsh, since I’ve never missed a payment before, but whatever, I don’t run in these circles normally. I told Kevin I could not pay them RIGHT THEN, but I could and would pay them Thursday, when I got paid myself, and the minute I said it I realized that was probably exactly what people who don’t pay their bills say. Kevin, why are you trying to shame me? If you interrupt my service, I guess the only thing I’ll miss out on is some drunken text messages, but when you’re not currently sweating anyone, even those aren’t much fun. I wake up the next day, read my Sent messages, and am not even embarrassed. Instead I’m like, “Ha. I’m funny. To me.” So you can’t even strip me of that, Kev.

This is how our conversation ended:

Kevin: And is this address still correct?
Me: Yes.
Kevin: And I see you have a birthday coming up. Miss Brown, I’d like to wish you a happy birthday from Cingular Wireless.
Me: O…........k.

I’ll have you know I DID pay that bill, and I DID have a happy birthday, NO thanks to Cingular Wireless.

That’s all I got right now. I am hurtling towards my book deadline, not showering and taking pills, like Judy Garland at the end. Or maybe most of her life, I don’t know. I’ve got the fever. I’m eating the sandwich. See you on the other side, Mama.

Front page!

Cringe is on the front page of the LA Times today. If you live in LA, would you grab my mom a copy?

Interview with Matthew

Matthew, who is nine years old and has a freaky cat, interviewed me for a school project. His goal is to interview 100 people, and turn it into a book, and then self-publish the book and give the proceeds to the ASPCA. We talked about tornadoes and pets and sugar. You can read the interview on his site, In The Air.

Thanks, Matthew! I really enjoyed it.

Things That Have Made Me Cry Today:

I actually have funny stories about each of these things, but I don’t have time to write them right now. Remind me. Before I die.

The Unstrung Harp

I spent the first half of my day in line at the post office downtown, getting an expedited passport. Then I didn’t hate other human beings enough so I went to Target.

Target was so awful I actually came home and showered to forget about it.

I have spent the past four hours re-organizing my sock and underwear drawers. Do you think it’s too over the top to have a drawer solely for tank tops? I own enough to warrant one, but I don’t know… it seems so decadent. So Candy Spelling.

Right now I’m waiting for a custard to set. It is 1:19 am.

I keep having stress dreams. I think I sleep for about 45 minutes at a time, and while I do, I dream that I’m having screaming fights with people I love, or that I forgot to look after these four orphans until they were all grown up, or that I packed a suitcase for Europe and got all the way to the airport before realizing I didn't pack pants or my camera.

If you need to reach me before May 1, please write courtesy of:

C. F. Earbrass
Odd Hobbies Manor
Collapsed Pudding, Mortshire.

Second Anniversary

Cringe is tonight, Wednesday, April 4.

You should come. It’s free, it’s funny, it’s two years old.

That means if I’d had a kid on April 6, 2005, I would be so much more exhausted right now.

Thank you, universe.

It was no use now.

it was no use now., originally uploaded by Sarah Brown.

Old stories, still playing out under the sheet.

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