Que Sera Sera

Calling all dorks, past and present

The next Cringe is Tuesday, August 2. Do you want to read? You totally should. We all think so. Email me.

Received text messages saved in my cell phone, v.2

Come home before too long. Many vinyls to be spun.

Isn’t Salvador Dali in the living room wearing a diving suit? P.S.: Nice gams

I will kill him.

It’s cause you’re so fucking fine.

Fucking total batshit thunderdome anarchy

Just saw sign for new waterslide at Frontier City called the “MEGA WEDGIE.” Seriously theme park people, be frank with us.

Sometimes the odds actually do break in your favor. I’m glad they gave me you, instead of giving me a bass boat from the Price is Right. You’re much better than a bass boat.

Brass in pocket on the juke box just for you!

Sarah, you deserve better.

It’s ok to be confused. You’ll figure it out eventually.

Fight against the sadness, Artex!

Would you like me to pass the creamer, dawg?

Say, remember when you said “Wetter than a black hole/big bang combo”? That was pretty cool.

Wine and your toothbrush.

Ditto kiddo

All I know is that, a lady like you—you gotta lock that down.

Please don’t marry another man just yet.

Man, we’re in big trouble aren’t we?

My money’s on Julia Child’s being way into hardcore ass fucking. There, use that next time you do a “What’s in my text message inbox” post.

Hands flat on the desk, and feet flat on the floor. I’ll be there soon.


Last night I received this text message from my friend, new dad Brian Byrne:

Baby! Boy! You totally called it! Seven lbs five oz! Henry Guy Byrne! I’m so tired! The baby is so laid back! I really like him!

And with that, Chauncey Jones became no more—to me, that kid is now either Hank or HGB for the rest of his sweet life. Still, I can’t tell you how happy it made me that my nickname for the fetus caught on so well, so much so that it was even on the cake at the baby shower. I know it sounds corny, but I hated being apart from my friends during this time in their lives, so coining the moniker was like a long-distance year-long high five. Now I just can’t wait to relax on the couch with this dude, much like the years I relaxed on the couch with his parents. He looks pretty chill.

Welcome to the party, HGB!

Points of Interest, Relayed with Fervor and Enthusiasm

Cringe #3

Hey, what’s up, how was your weekend, my best friend Emily was in town and I’m coming off a total bender. In other news, tonight is Cringe, and you should come.

Cringe Reading Night
8:30 pm
Freddy’s Bar and Backroom
485 Dean St.
Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
2/3 to Bergen, any train in the world to Atlantic/Flatbush
Cost: free dollars

I’m going to get back to hitting refresh on my work email now, but I’ll see you tonight.

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