I hope they don't have kids in hell

We lie in bed at night and discuss all the ways we could screw up our future children.

“I don’t know... giving them a sexual or religious hang-up just seems so boring.”

“We could tell them that a long time ago, before Mommy and Daddy met, Daddy was in jail for accidentally killing a little boy who wet the bed.”

“We could tell them that a long time ago, before Mommy and Daddy met, Mommy had a whole other family, but one day those children were too loud, so Mommy had to leave them and get a new family, this one here with you and Daddy. It’s okay because we know you’ll never be that loud, especially in the mornings.”

“We could tell them we’re really aliens, and that they’re aliens too.”

“The way you know you’re aliens is because you have special parts down here. Humans don’t have those parts. Like when you look at a Barbie or Ken doll, they don’t have bits like you do, do they? That’s because they’re made to look like humans.”

“And if you think you see those bits on a human, that’s actually just your alien vision making you see them.”

“But you must never ask grandma and grandpa about it because they’re robots who don’t know they’re robots and definitely don’t know we’re aliens.”

“If you ever tell grandma and grandpa, it would blow their circuits and we’d have to shut them down forever, all because you told.”

“Then we’d have to leave all your friends and toys and go back to our homeworld.”

“We’re very poor on our homeworld.”

“That’s why we left it, but we didn’t get permission to leave, so we’d be in a lot of trouble if we went back.”

“On our homeworld, the way they punish you for doing something wrong is to put your children in jail.”

“Night night, now! Sweet dreams!”

“You’ll let Mommy and Daddy sleep late tomorrow, won’t you?”