Van Helsing
It’s Saturday night, my family just flew back to Oklahoma, and I am sitting on my couch watching a truly horrible movie on SciFi. It’s awesome. I think it’s starring Walter Peck from the EPA. People are getting their faces eaten off in the sunniest Eastern European town square ever and every commercial is about shammies and joint pain. Except for the commercials about some new show called True Blood, which I guess is about sexy, sassy Southern vampires with Anna Paquin refining her tragic Rogue accent.
I don’t get why everyone is so fascinated with vampires all the damn time, or why anyone over the age of 14 thinks they’re sexy. Vampires are not into doing it. Vampires are into being pale and pouty and draining your will to live. They’re like frozen teenagers. I think people who think vampires are somehow sexy maybe just don’t know how to have sex, or maybe they have had sex but decided it just wasn’t for them, they’d rather wear velveteen and resent people.
I have not ever been into those Twilight books or the Anne Rice novels or even Buffy. CALM DOWN, deep breath; I know everyone loved Buffy, and many people I respect have told me about its great writing, but I could never get past Sarah Michelle Gellar’s bershon attitude and her post-nasal drip voice. This is also why I could never get into Veronica Mars: the main character and her sassy little quips made me grit my teeth. Now I’m not saying I’m too cool here: I was super into Alias. I also have a soft spot for dramatic movies where people ride horses in the rain and run through candlelit courtyards in empire-waist dresses and everyone is so torn up with honor and valor they can barely sex straight. BUT. At least they’re actually interested in sex, not just moping around a decaying Southern mansion and whining about their problems, which as far as I can tell is all vampires do when they’re not actually sucking blood. They’re like college freshmen in terms of angst, self-involvement, and hygiene. I would advise all these guys to spend a semester doing Habitat for Humanity, get laid, buy some shampoo.
Okay I have to go, Walter Peck’s daughter just ripped his heart out with her nazgul hands and Bad Boys II is about to start. I'm glad we talked.