Miss Havisham Presents

I don’t know about you, but I’m on the fence about getting married. Well, no, that’s not true: I’m all for falling in love and sharing my life with someone awesome, mostly for the guaranteed sex and scalp massages and bill sharing. But the idea of having a wedding has always freaked me out. I mean, I like people, I like parties, I like looking hot in a pretty dress, and I’m a big sap who couldn’t resist having every single person I love in the same place at the same time, but I just can’t get it up for all the other crap traditionally involved, like trying on diamonds, or registering for flatware, or turning into a fucking shrew who fights with her mother every day for nine months or however long it takes to grow one of those things. Give me a sea monkey wedding: instant party, no discussions with my mother about anything that goes on a table for a purely decorative purpose; no updos, lots of sneaking off to the sideroom for unofficial sealing of the deal, and at least one high school marching band. Even then, I’d still be tempted to elope.

However, the one voice of snarky reason that might sway me back towards the white would be Ariel Meadow Stallings’ new book, Offbeat Bride. I’ve been a reader of Ariel’s blog Electrolicious since late 2001, and in late 2005 I gave her my blessing and some how-to tips to start a Cringe-like night in Seattle called Salon of Shame. Girl is funny and smart and has half-pink hair. I feel that if anyone could find a way to spin this potential cookie-cutter ordeal into something fun and original, it would be Ariel.

Last week, my bosom friend Laura got engaged, and asked me to be her maid of honor. Of course I said yes, but we both realized right away that there are no bridal magazines with a section for girls whose mothers forced them to go through sorority rush and so they went but spent the whole time hiding in their rooms, eating vending machine food and listening to the Pogues. Laura clearly needs this book. Laura, you also need to check out the website, specifically this post, featuring a picture of a confused bride standing next to a vagina sculpture.

If you live in New York, you should come out to the Offbeat Bride book party on Saturday, 8 pm, at The Lucky Cat in Williamsburg. I hear there’s a bachelorette party theme, but if you catch anyone wearing one of those suck-a-lifesaver-for-a-dollar T-shirts, I’ll buy you a drink.