Phrases that make me want to throttle someone
“party like rock stars” – Look, I’m sure that you and Keela and Larissa had a totally AWESOME time freshman year when you all put on your black pants and went to whatever dance club it was with all those Iranian dudes who drove turquoise I-ROCs and wore silk shirts and oh my god they bought you SO MANY KAMIKAZES and Keela TOTALLY PUKED PINK and you guys had to like DRAG her back to the DZ house and then Larissa even hooked up with that one dude later and it was SO RRRAN-DOM!, but you need to understand that this is not how rock stars party; it is how sad third-tier sorority girls party. Let’s just clarify this. Also, quit using “party” as a verb.
“shit and giggles” – This just makes me think of feverish giggly hobos covered in their own uncontrollably explosive excrement, which I’m sure is not the lighthearted, non-committal meaning you wished to convey.
“I could give two shits” – Okay, I think I just don’t like the defecation references, but this does not mean what you think it means. Same thing with “I could give a fuck”: I commend you on your much-practiced dry, disgust-filled delivery, but you could NOT give a fuck. Try doing that.
“shit ton” – Actually, this one is all right. I think it depends on who says it.
“shuffled off this mortal coil” – This has always skeeved me out because, for some reason, it reminds me of that Tool video with the little claymation man removing windows into the intestine full of filth, which is a hell of a lot more horrifying and unsettling than its actual meaning, “death.”
“co-inky-dink” or “redonkulous” – Either you honestly don’t know the correct pronunciation of these words, or you are purposely mispronouncing them because you think it’s cute. Either way, you’re a douche and even your closest friends grit their teeth when you call them on the phone.
“fro yo,” “convo,” “ASAP” – I strongly suggest you try having sex someplace other than a bed.
“blogosphere,” “blogiverse” – I strongly suggest you try having sex with someone other than your uncle.
“what the deuce?” – One time this guy I was interested in said this to me, and by the time it was out of his mouth and hanging in the air between us, all sexual chemistry I was feeling shriveled up and he suddenly looked like Morty Seinfeld. Very few people can pull off throwing around generations-old phrases. A good rule of thumb is: are you really, really tall? Because really, really tall people somehow manage to get away with almost anything.
“she’s a doll” – The only person guy I know who can say this and not sound like a bitch is my friend Adam, and somehow, when Adam says it, he actually sounds more potent and heterosexual than normal, probably because he usually emphasizes it by slamming down his empty pint glass and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Everyone else, however, needs to stop. If you’re a guy, it makes you sound frilly, and if you’re a girl, it makes you sound like a bitch, because we all know you don’t really think she’s a doll; you’re bitter that she’s tiny and your boyfriend pays all that attention to her.
“matoor” (mature) – Odds are you’re too frigid to even cry after sex.
“singer/songwriter” – Oh, just stop.