Found

This is shaping up to be a pretty awesome day. My new favorite person on the planet is Bill from Harlem, who found my cell phone on the train, called my parents in Oklahoma, and then met me at a McDonalds in Chelsea to return it. While we were arranging our rendezvous, I said, "I have brown hair, glasses, and a white shirt," and it wasn't until I said it out loud that I realized how pointless that description was, but Bill said, "Okay; I'm black." He was also really nice and wouldn't accept any money, or even let me buy him a McBreakfast. I am awash in my unshaken faith in humanity, save for the rumpled guy in Oakley sunglasses loitering outside the McDonalds who asked me to marry him, and also for a dollar, and when I shook my head no, proceeded to mime shooting me in the head over and over again, complete with sound effects. That guy can eat a dick. Speaking of which, this afternoon I'm headed to a taping of the Daily Show. I hope Stephen Colbert is there, and prepared to be fellated to the full extent of the law. You know, the fellating law.