Proposition

Today I had a truly horrible day, and when I opened the office closet to hang up my coat after lunch, the inside of it smelled inexplicably like my childhood best friend’s house, and I briefly considered climbing in there for the rest of the afternoon.

Does anyone want to cut my hair for free dollars? It’ll be really fun for you, because I have exactly seventeen tons of hair and know precisely what I want done to it, so you have to be very patient and awesome, and also know how to properly thin hair. You must shampoo and massage my scalp, but I won’t make you hold me afterwards. I can pay you in props and cinnamon chocolate chip cookies. Maybe french kisses if you’re really good. I promise I’m nothing but worth your while.