It’s funny because it’s true

I hate hate hate it more than anything when people begin sentences with “I’m the sort of person who,” but if I had to start one that way, I’d be forced to say I’m the sort of person who cuts her finger open with her pocketknife while trying to remove the shrink wrap from her lipgloss, and then doesn’t notice until the blood is running down her wrist a few minutes later.

I’m going to tell people I did it while gutting a fish.