Girls against boys:

I saw Sweet Home Alabama last night, and my Reese Witherspoon hatred aside, it really pissed me off. So many movies and books and television shows offer these heroines operating under the guise of spunky or sassy, when in fact they’re really just bitchy. I cannot even begin to think all of the sins committed towards men in the name of being a feisty spitfire.

Julia Roberts is the queen of this type of character. These women are rude, selfish and scheming, but in the end, they do a quick aw shucks and look frazzled and maybe get their hair in their eyes, and bam, they get their man. This is such bullshit. It just perpetuates the myth to young girls that being snotty and cute (“Princess” T-shirts, anyone?) entitles you to something. Like, he should be proud of the fact that I am so, so sassy. I am so sassy, in fact, I deserve big expensive jewelry, and he doesn’t really love me if the jewelry doesn’t meet certain requirements. I cannot even begin to imagine how anyone would think being proposed to by a man taking you into Tiffany and saying “Pick whatever you want,” is supposed to be romantic, but the entire theater sighed when this happened. I have come across many girls my age who make broad claims to not even wanting an engagement ring unless it’s this big or from Tiffany, completely unaware of not just how shallow, but how truly white trash that sort of claim is. What a great way to start your life with a person you supposedly love unconditionally.

These faux-spunky romantic comedy heroines are the girls who grow up to the be the bland, sexless women in detergent or JC Penney commercials, with their short hair, khaki capris, and open, untucked denim button-down shirt, sighing because their balding paunchy hapless husband is just sooooo hopelessly clueless. Bitch. Maybe you shouldn’t be complaining about his lack of balls since you obviously had to tape yours back to marry him. If the tables were turned and it was the men whining about women being so stupid and expendable, the shit would fly.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not suggesting any Taming of the Shrew-like measures here. I consider myself a feminist, but these women are getting by with passing off rude as ballsy, and it’s so, so different. Maybe I’m too lame and vanilla to see how anyone being hateful and selfish is sexy; I’ve never been one of those girls who likes assholes. I understand a little Hepburn and Tracy friction is a good time, but how rare is that sort of attraction in real life? There’s nothing wrong with men or women being sarcastic and assertive—God knows it’s how I operate—but there has to be a little nice in there, too.