- Back at work today after ten days off, and back in town after a long weekend in Texas, which was spent shopping and drinking and eating and drinking and bowling and drinking. It is imperative to maintain a low-grade buzz at all times when dealing with one house full of thirteen people and five dogs, as well as teenage cousins who ask you point-blank about oral sex techniques. Also, some of my family members are apparently dating people named “Buster,” with whom they go “mudding,” while others bring new girlfriends to Christmas dinner who inevitably get the nickname MethLab Amanda.
- “Do y’all still have things to unload from the trunk?”
“Oh, we have plenty of junk in our trunk, Uncle Stan.”
“Stanley, did you hear her? Go help with the junk in their trunk.”
“Does your dad know you have junk in your trunk?”
“Oh, Dad has junk in his trunk, too.”
- The only time I managed to get a real laugh out of my 18 year old brother was when I nudged him in the car and said, “Mitchell honey, put your shoes on, we’re at grandma’s,” and then, like the dork I am, ruined it by trying to say it again a few more times.
- Really, you haven’t lived until you hear my great aunt Dorothy’s story about the time she was front-row at a Liberace concert and he asked her if she’d like to feel his balls.
- Have I ever told you all about the cousin whose nickname is Shiteater? For real, I should sometime.
- You know who the one person is who won’t think it’s funny when you say your New Year’s resolution is to get laid more often? My mom.
- Please check out the handsome Kennedy family members in their original Sarah B. shirts! Young Jackson will surely be the toast of Gymboree in his in-the-know David Lynch hipster tee, and I’m sure his lovely mother’s cheekbones have been the reason for many a young man’s broken heart.
- Last night I went to bed at 1:12 am, but went to sleep at 7:52 am, which is 8 minutes before I’m supposed to be at work, for those of you keeping score at home. I’ll refrain from giving a reason here, but it was a good one. Or five.
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