It's Criminal

Last Friday, I was at a really fun afterparty celebrating Cyan’s release of The OH in Ohio, and the free bourbon was flowing, and I was hanging out with other people’s brothers, and it was all totally awesome, right up until the part where I got robbed. Some dildo relieved me of both my wallet and my digital camera. I can replace everything in the wallet aside from the $20 cash, but losing the camera breaks my heart.

I have been really overwhelmed with all I have to do now to prevent identity theft in the next 60-90 days, now that someone has all of my personal info, aside from just canceling my credit cards and filing the police report. You also have to contact Equifax and Social Security, as well as your last three sexual partners. Virgins, third base counts for you. And getting a new license is a pain because they ask for the license number on the old one. I DON’T KNOW, IT’S ON MY OLD ONE. Internet, I cannot urge you strongly enough to take everything out of your wallet this minute and photocopy it. I also cannot urge you strongly enough to turn your back on a life of crime, because it’s not badass; it just leads to loads of paperwork. Instead of robbing a bank, why don’t you just become a CPA? That’ll scratch that itch real good.

Oddly enough, I have jury duty today. They let me in the courthouse without a photo ID, which I find unsettling. Also, I walked right by the giant sign that said NO FOOD OR DRINK while drinking my vitaminwater. A little hustle, boys? For show at least? Or are you too busy napping with the jailhouse keys in your back pocket?

I had jury duty once back in Oklahoma, and it was nothing like this. Here in NYC they done got computer labs for the jurors and Ed Bradley and Diane Sawyer in the informational video! (I was hoping for a Jerry Orbach cameo, but that might have been too much.) The video opened with some medieval dudes binding a guy’s hands and feet and tossing him in a lake to illustrate “trial by ordeal.” Brooklyn Supreme Court, you are not fucking around, and I respect that. Now let’s see if we can’t get some of that justice tossed ‘round my way.

UPDATE: Someone turned in my wallet to the 9th precinct! Without the cash, but with everything else! I don’t suppose I’m going to have this luck with the camera, though. Dammit. Scarecrow, I’ll miss you most of all.