I saw a lot of great costumes last night, but I’m going to have to give the blue ribbon to the guy who came as a Danny Aiello diorama. What? Exactly. My own costume—1940s cigarette tray girl—was a bigger hit than I’d anticipated, and I actually ended up turning a profit, as people kept handing me money and then taking a pack of candy cigarettes from my tray. What? Sure, okay. It cost me $3.49 to order a carton of candy cigarettes off the internet (thanks, Jay!), and I converted the box they came in into a tray with a little help from Liz’s guitar strap and some twine while watching Carrie around 7 o’clock last night. Add some seam-up-the-back hosiery and ankle strap shoes, and that’s the cheapest, easiest costume in the world. Sort of hard to dance in, though.
In honor of Halloween, I’m going to share a little secret with you, Internets (TM Brianbyrne): my surefire hangover cure. Don’t act like you don’t need it; we’ve all been meaning to talk to you.
Sarah’s Surefire Hangover Cure
(Wouldn’t it be really cute if you wrote this out on one of your mom’s recipe cards that had like kissing pigs dressed as cooks at the bottom and then taped it to your bathroom mirror? Not if you ever want to get laid again it wouldn’t.)
- Drink a whole lot. Come on: just one more, quitter.
- Go to sleep.
- Wake up.
- Roll out of bed. Rolling is essential, because you are not ready to just stand straight up.
- See? I told you. That hurt, didn’t it? Quit trying to be a hero and make your sad way to the couch.
- You’re gonna need three things at this point: a couch, a bottle of red Gatorade, and a television that gets at least three channels, where you will inevitably find the cinema classic 3 Ninjas. You don’t even need basic cable, because it’s a law in America that 3 Ninjas must be played at some point between 10 am and 6 pm Saturday-Sunday.
- From here on out it’s pretty simple: lie on the couch and don’t get up until the Gatorade bottle is empty and 3 Ninjas is over. This really isn’t as hard as it would be if you weren’t so incredibly hungover, because your brain will ping-pong back and forth between “God, this movie is TERRIBLE,” and “Guuuuuuuh,” and the next thing you know, the credits are rolling over that guy who looks like Pat Morita’s face, the Gatorade is gone, and you’re ready to shower and face the day.
- I cannot even begin to tell you how many lives this manuever has saved. If you do it on a Saturday morning, you’ll even be cleared for drinking again that night.
- You’re welcome.
P.S. Happy Third Birthday, Website! Thanks for showering me with sex and money.