Person (looking through my medicine cabinet): You get migraines?
Person: You should be careful with prescription drugs like this. They don’t really tell you what they do. I don’t think you should take these.
Me: Aren’t you the same person who was just going on about how gross smokers are, and how you’ve never had coffee and don’t drink soda—
Person: Only when I mix it with alcohol.
Me:—but earlier when we left the bar, you called your coke dealer?
Person (holding up old bottle of cough syrup): Hey, codeine!
Me: That’s all dried up. It’s dregs.
Person (filling bottle up with water, shaking, downing): No, see?
Me: I’m gonna call you a car now.
Person: Yeeeaaahhh, I know.