Will no one think of the children?

America, I am wise to your ways. I know you shop at Old Navy and love Julia Roberts movies and eat at Outback Steakhouse every weekend, ordering your ranch dressing on the side. I know you all love Raymond, much like you love wearing elastic-waistband pants to Walmart. So why do you feel the sudden need to be non-conformist when it comes to naming your children? A coworker just informed me that they named the new baby Abigail, but to make it stand out, they’re spelling it Abbygail. People. For the love of God. The world does not need any more Jadons or MacKenzies. I am talking to you, Christian Slater and Kathie Lee Gifford, and you too, knocked up seventeen year old girl in Iowa. This will not make them unique. This will make them hate you. Your children are humans, not My Little Ponies.

Well, except for maybe Kathie Lee. I can’t vouch for the human thing there.