Video Music Awards:

• When Jack and Meg White were briefly on the same stage as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, I had a hard time breathing.
• Christina Aguilera somehow managed to look naked while technically wearing clothes.
• I honestly had not realized that Linkin Park, P.O.D., Creed, and System of a Down were not all the same band.
• I do not need to see anyone else’s jutting hipbones ever again, unless I’m seconds away from having sex with them.
• I have a feeling that any moment he’s not in public, David Lee Roth is just sobbing uncontrollably.
• Who nominated Sheryl Crow to cover the 9/11 bit? I’m pretty sure she’s from, like, Missouri.
• Why was Jimmy Fallon wearing my mom’s blush?
• Will someone please explain to me why Nelly wears a piece of adhesive tape on his face?
• Hey John Norris, I totally had that exact same puffy paint jacket in the sixth grade!
• That whole Hives/Vines thing left me in need of a cigarette. I’m still not sure which is which unless they’re in front of me, though.
• I’m pretty sure that if you snuck up and suddenly pantsed Justin Timberlake, you’d discover he has a vagina.
• I don’t care if he was old and bloated and breathy: that was G’n’F’n’R, man!