Debauchery:

This weekend I:

• was kissed by another man’s wife and another girl’s boyfriend within ten minutes of each other
• one happened in a bathroom stall
• the other happened all over the fucking place
• woke up without my car or my credit card
• attended a party where a high school marching band suddenly marched through the house and the tuba broke a lamp
• suffered a nasty Olsen twin false alarm
• was trapped in my car by a vagrant
• had someone buy me a $400 dinner
• heard more than my share of limericks
• same goes for filthy, filthy stories
• was the recipient of the best mix tape ever
• totally went up Emily’s skirt during hungover wedding dress shopping
• okay, not like that, but it sounded cool, didn’t it?
• saw Harry Potter and thought dirty thoughts when Daniel Radcliffe sat up in bed and his pajama shirt fell open
• received a late-night phone call from one boy while sitting in the car of another
• was requested to tell the No Shirt Cousin story at the bar—even better in person!
• spent the majority of the time in my knee-high leather boots and the rest of it in bed, so you know it was good