Supah New Year:

Last night I went to a fantastic party with lots of old friends and loud Hank Williams playing, and there was a even a snake, and I touched the snake, and briefly wrapped it around me Britney-style, and I’m not going to lie and tell you that didn’t make me feel and look like a total badass.

I kissed everyone in the room at midnight and only one person tried to get all open-mouth on me. That person happens to work at NASA, and so I batted my false eyelashes and now I have a NASA jumpsuit headed my way. He also offered a space monkey, but warned that they have a tendency to get violent and try to rip off people’s testicles, so I declined. I also declined the open-mouth kiss, for the record.

I wore a crown and boots and lots of red lipstick, but I had to abandon my ghetto-fabulous dreams of drinking my champagne through a twirly straw and just slam it back like a heathen. It seemed to do the trick, though.

Unfortunately, no one would let me give them a black eye, even when David got drunk enough to start punching people in the balls for money, so I’ve learned my first valuable lesson of 2003: don’t ask, just swing.

I woke up this morning with MARY-KATE written on my knuckles in Sharpie and no idea where my car was, so I think it’s pretty safe to say that this year is going to be the best yet.