Maid of honor:

This week my maid of honor duties have involved addressing almost 200 invitations by hand, offering support and advice while the bride tried on various wedding-dress-related foundational undergarments, not really being helpful by ducking into the dressing room next door and buying lots of completely un-wedding-related lingerie for myself, and waking up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to drive to Wichita for a dress fitting. I’m considering wearing my new non-wedding undergarments for the fitting just to liven things up. What, you mean the other bridesmaids aren’t going crotchless? The plus side is we get to hang out with the bride’s grandparents while we’re there, and I fucking love the bride’s grandparents. Her grandfather is named Elmer and talks nonstop about how he doesn’t trust Peter Jennings, and her grandmother wears plaid Keds all the time and will undoubtedly send us home with packages of stale Twinkies and month-old People magazines.

I’m packing a flask, naturally.