My weekend in bulletpoints
Alternate title:
My weekend in the second person
Alternate alternate title:
I’m a hack

• Don’t see “The Italian Job.”
• No, for real. Don’t.
• If you must, go see it with Tony, because he will stage whisper, “I have a feeling the whole movie has been building to THIS POINT,” during the chase scene.
• Waking up Saturday morning and being physically unable to do anything but lie on the couch and watch “3 Ninjas.”
• Playing Four Square Categories with people aged 9-11, and hearing these answers thrown out when the category is Adjectives that describe Sarah:
  “Good at reading!”
  “Not that tall!”
  “Bad at math!”
  “Thoughtful!”
  “Good driver!”
  “Curly hair!”
  “Smells good!”
  “Nice!”
  And then having to stop the game when the next answer shouted was
  “Good at swallowing!”
• Party at the Byrnes’, which meant Yatta and kabobs and Biggest Game of Whorse Ever, as well as sitting around the table, passing the Breathalyzer from person to person, and when Aaron was officially .04 drunker than Brian, DeKinder yelling, “The King is dead! Long live the King!”, and then your phone ringing and it’s your ex-boyfriend whom you haven’t spoken to in nine months, so you go sit on the bathroom floor and talk for an hour and then go climb in bed with the naked hostess to analyze the previous 60 minutes.
• Giving an impromptu and completely detailed rundown of your love life for the past year and a half in the ice cream section of the grocery store at 6 o’ clock on a Sunday.
• Opening an artery while shaving your legs.
• The phone, the phone, the phone.
• Learning a disturbing new use for goosegrease.
• Coining the phrase “truck stop salad toss.”
• Convincing people to call in sick on Tuesday since you just learned you get your birthday off work.
• People actually agreeing to call in sick on Tuesday.
• For the love of God, the phone.