Various reasons I have decided, willy-nilly, to set my cap for boys in the past:

• had big feet
• had Pavement sticker on his car
• really hot way he pronounced “humanists” *
• could whistle the entire whistling part of “Patience”
• was a scientist
• had blue eyebrows
• knew all the words to George Michael’s “Freedom” **
• got suspended for standing up on desk and shouting, “I am the Lizard King! I can do anything! Raise your hand if you understand! How many of you people know you’re really alive?” while a nun tried to pull him to the floor
• drove demolition derby cars
• seemed like a complete and total asshole who didn’t notice me ***
• had British teeth
• smelled like ex-boyfriend

* was married college professor
** was gay
*** was complete and total asshole who never noticed me