The uniformed may ask:

Tonight, while sitting on the couch eating pizza with Erin and Brian and watching The Cutting Edge on WE, we played one of my new favorite games, something I like to call “What’s D.B. Sweeney Doing Right Now?”

• just waking up, bathed in sweat
• yardwork
• bong hits
• picking at an ingrown hair
• taking an online continuing education course at the University of Phoenix
• applying lotion
• trying to sell a signed script on eBay
• sampling the first batch of home-brewed beer that he made in his basement with a microbrewery he bought out of a catalog last winter
• waiting for a tow truck
• buying Pampers
• updating dbsweeney.com
• stretching
• tenderly watching a hooker sleep
• still blaming everything on Brian
• whipping up some of his famous D.B. Sweeney 5-Alarm Chili (Erin says, “The secret ingredient is a Hershey bar!”)
• checking his profile on Friendster
• discovering tasty leftovers hidden behind the 2 liter of Diet Coke
• burying his head in his hands
• playing Vice City and ignoring his wife’s repeated calls from the other room
• reading Dynasty fan fic
• eating pizza and watching The Cutting Edge on WE
• sobbing

Feel free to play along at home!