Que Sera Sera

Older, wiser

I used to think my (fantasy hypothetical) dream man was a mash-up of Atticus Finch and John Leguizamo, but now I realize he’s a mash-up of Richard E. Grant and Kevin Corrigan.

Waving wheat and Quik Trip

On Monday I return to the land of Frostys and cinnamon chewing gum for a visit. England is wonderful, but I have to stock up on children's Benadryl and monterey jack cheese somehow. I’m also going to enjoy shopping in my own closet. The other day I took a bath and sat there, imagining the new outfits I could create just by trading out a few items of my own clothing. I was my own infomercial.

I’ll be spending some time in Oklahoma, and doing some wedding dress shopping with my mom. Years of shopping with my mother have created a very necessary and polite little sidestep we both use as not to hurt one another’s feelings: when someone holds something up from across the racks and you don’t like it, you say, “Oh, that’d be so cute on you.” Not in a pointed or sarcastic way, but completely innocently, brightly even, never making eye contact, and then you continue going through the racks yourself. It allows the other person to save face, and you don’t have to say Oh my god that’s so ugly I would never wear that why would you even think I would wear that and the other person doesn’t have to feel insulted and like they have bad taste even if they just seriously suggested you might like an over-sized sweater with sewn-in shoulder pads. We’ve never acknowledged that we both use this trick, and I’m fairly certain it’s what’s kept my relationship with my mother intact all these years. It only occurred to me yesterday that this tactic isn’t going to work when it comes to wedding dresses.

I’m also going to spend a few days in New York, where my top priority after seeing all my friends is to get regrettably drunk at Freddy’s for what may be the last time, since it looks like stupid Ratner might finally tear it down to build his stupid basketball arena. I’m going to be really pissed if they destroy Freddy’s before we get the chance to go there for drinks after our city hall wedding. Nick told me he’d understand if I wanted to chain myself to the bar.

I am also going to eat an everything bagel with turkey and cream cheese from Bergen Bagel.

Since leaving in September, three of my good friends have also gotten engaged, and what I really want to do is go out for some decadent brunch that involves White Russians and Valium, strap on fake pregnancy bellies, and then go to the fanciest bridal boutique in Manhattan and try on wedding dresses. No, that’d be so cute on you!

Today it was both.

Some days I wake to find that Nick has left me coffee on the bedside table; some days it’s his old band-aid. This is what marriage is going to be all about, isn’t it.

Cringe, Wednesday night

Cringe is back at The George this Wednesday night. Lots of readers lined up, should be a great time. Hope to see you there!

Wednesday, January 20, 7:00 pm
Upstairs at The George Pub
213 The Strand, London WC2R 1AP

Cost: free, as always

Crossing the streams again


I’m going to eventually just link my Tumblr to my blog, since I write over there like four times a day and update this maybe four times a month.

Pillow talk

It is 12:37 am. We are in bed. Nick suddenly takes off his headphones, turns to me, and says the hottest thing he’s ever said:

“Do you know what I want? I want a book explaining how the American political system works, I want to know what the electoral college is, I want to know what caucuses and superdelegates are, and I want a grilled cheese sandwich, right now.”

Things I've Learned About Nick Recently (the mostly cinematic version)

Present tense

My parents are featured today on My Parents Were Awesome! The picture is from a Wizard of Oz-themed costume party they attended when I was very small. I still remember them getting ready to go out and thinking my mother was the prettiest person on the planet in that dress, which was a hand-me-down from my grandmother. They’ve been married 36 years, my mom’s Xth birthday was yesterday, and they are still very, very awesome. I miss and love them.

I emailed this link to them both and my dad wrote back, “Thanks. We won the dance contest that night.”

Five days later: just my mom now!

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