KN0WING
Last night Chris and Tracie and I packed some tiny bottles and went to see Knowing, the new Nicolas Cage shitstorm where he uses NUMB3R5 to try and 5AV3 TH3 W0R7D. Spoiler: it does not work. The world ends. Sadly, there will be no Knowing 2, because everyone and everything dies at the end, the entire earth destroyed by a sun shart (that one’s all Tracie), except for Nicolas Cage’s son, who escapes to Planet Narnia aided by a bunch of angel aliens who look like the guy from Coldplay, where he has to live out his days wearing Mormon underwear and waiting until he’s old enough to hump like rabbits. Also he got to bring his pet rabbit with him so that was cool.
This movie was hands down THE BEST worst movie I’ve ever seen, like someone crammed three movies into one hole and just let it fester and burn. And it totally burned; everything in this movie burns, including a fiery moose that was screaming and bucking like a bronco, and definitely the highlight for all three of us. This movie was so awful that we didn’t have to worry about bothering anyone by drinking and laughing; the entire theater was laughing as well, and Chris started a slow clap at the end that caught on and I would have totally bought a round for everyone in there because we all earned it.
We started out planning to drink whenever there was math, whenever there was a mention of someone being a widower, whenever Nicolas Cage ran, and whenever Nicolas Cage drank. A better rule would have been to drink whenever anything was on fire. When Tracie stood up at the end, her empty fifth clattered to the floor and Chris said, “Maaaaan. Is it hamburger time yet?” We were filled with joy and the promise of kahlua milkshakes and this was the best $12 I’ve spent in ages.
This movie also inspired Tracie and me to decorate a room in our homes as the Crazy Room, that tiny room they always discover in movies where the crazy person has been holed up, covering the walls with articles cut out from newspapers, and it’s always SO SCARY OH MY GOD NEWSPRINT EVERYWHERE EVERYWHERE. I think it’d be a fresh new direction in interior design, a bold change from all of this current mid-century clean lines mixed with occasional quirky antlers business; just a small, poorly lit room wallpapered with curling, yellowing articles, a rickety card table and a jar of questionable amber liquid, maybe some bowls of fingernail clippings here and there. We’ll put Etsy out of business with this shit. You should come over.